I want to apologize for wasting nearly two years of your life, I used you to keep me out of a dark place, and you knew that’s what I was doing and went along with it, but I still feel like I need to apologize because it grew to be more than that for you, but it never was more than that for me. And I am fine with that and it wont bother me anymore. I am done thinking about it.
So now that that is out of the way, I was thinking of the reasons behind my actions, there is always a initial one, but afterword I can think of maybe five or so more that could have applied, those are the ones I tell people if they ask, but it’s the one that started it that really matters I think. Why did I start this blog? I was bored, I want to write, it calms me down to think through writing, but really, the one initial reason was that Jacob told me to start making vlogs and this is my alternative because I don’t like being on camera. Why did I move to Arizona? My grandparents need a caretaker, it’s warm, it’s a new beginning, but the initial reason was because my family told me to.
Most of my big decisions, and the little stupid ones too, are because someone else told me to, and I am just now realizing that. I don’t like it. I know that I am easily influenced by people around me, and I do always try to make them happy or comfortable, it’s why I like working as a waitress, or in fast food, or even as a caregiver, because I am good at it. I am good at helping other people. But does that mean I have to do everything they tell me? Especially when it influences my life as strongly as some of the things do? No. I am done with that.
But, as I think about it, there are so many things in my life that I do just because I know other people like it. I know my grandparents are Christians and go to church, so I make sure that nothing I leave around the house has any sign of anything that could upset them, swear words or i dunno… pictures that could be offensive. I wear my hair down when I can because years ago, one of my friends said something about how girls should always wear their hair down, because why bother having long hair if you just tie it up all the time? And when I can’t decide what color to paint my nails, I always pick orange because one time someone I was with made a comment about how orange is a good color for nails.
These are people that probably don’t even remember saying those things or that I am never going to see again, so why does it matter? It doesn’t but I still do those things. Everything I do is because I think that someone else will like it. I don’t know if that is good or bad.