Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Someone to talk to

So I've realized recently that I only write here when I'm not taking my medication, so I'll change that by writing now. 

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want from life recently, and I always think better when I write it out. When I was little I always wanted to be a vet. I have no idea why, I think I picked it at school one day when we were talking about what jobs we wanted when we grew up and I had no idea what to say so I just picked the first thing that popped into my head. This was in second or third grade. Then for the next six years whenever someone asked me what I wanted to be, I just said vet without thinking about it.  Then I got to high school and realized there was no way in hell I would ever want to be a vet, so then I decided that since I was only a freshman, I'd have plenty of time to figure it out. Except I never did. I went through high school, then to college and I still had absolutely no idea what to do with my life. So I dropped out and haven't done anything since. Honestly, I don't think I ever expected to live much past high school, and I think that's why I never picked something and stuck with it. Why bother when I had no motivation to live? 

And I've carried that thinking into everything I do. It's why I move every year, why I always get different jobs, why none of my relationships ever last, and why I have avoided making strong attachments to friends. Why bother putting down roots when I might decided that tomorrow is going to be my last day here? 

I have spent the last year doing absolutely nothing. I haven't worked, I haven't really talked to anyone, I've hardly even left the house. It gets lonely, but I've brought it on myself and I don't know how to fix it so I will just deal with it I guess. 

The only meaningful conversations I've had in the last year occurred when the person I talk to was either drunk or very high. 

I just need someone to talk to. But I only really want to talk to one particular person, because I know for a fact that no matter what I say, they will understand and not judge. It's a nice feeling. 

I know it's my own fault that I have no real friends and no one to talk to, I push people away. I don't know what else to do. I don't like getting attached to things or people, because they are never there when you really need them. There's no point in building up the hope that when I desperately need someone to talk to they will be there, because they won't be. 

Sometimes when I'm really close to ending everything, or even just considering it, the only thing I really need is a stupid pointless five minute conversation and I'll change my mind. And since it hasn't happened yet, I guess I must get that when I need it. So maybe I'm just being too hard on my friends. Maybe they are there and I just haven't realized it till now. Or maybe they aren't there and I just want them to be there so much that I make up excuses for them. 

I think about dying a lot too. When I'm driving, I always get the urge to pull out in front of fast moving buses and trucks, because that would be so easy and fast. I think if I were to die, I'd do it by jumping off a high cliff though. Because I want to feel like I'm flying for a little bit. And it would be fast too. I just can't help but think that there really isn't a reason not to die. I mean, why stay here? I'm already not doing anything. I may as well not do anything and just be dead. 

I don't know what I want out of life anymore. A month ago. I. Would have said that I someday want a house and kids or something like that. But why would I get a house when I can't stand staying in the same olace for more than a year or two. And what kind of mother would I be? One that wants to die. I'd be a terrible parent. 

So now I just don't want anything out of life. I've given up hoping that I'll get to move back to Wisconsin soon, I don't fit there anymore. I don't fit here either, but since I'm already here I may as well just stick around. 

The moral of this post is that I really want to talk to someone and I don't have anyone to talk to, so I guess that's what this blog is for.