Thursday, May 15, 2014

I Am Anxious To Write This 05/15/14

I have been waiting to start writing so I could watch a friends video on youtube in hopes that it would give me a subject to write about, but he is taking to long so I will maybe just write about it tomorrow.

I wrote this a while ago, during a panic attack; "I can feel it there, pushing me down. Every second, every breath, every move. It's still there. It's always there. I can hear it still. Whispering. Always whispering. Why? Why?
Discouraging. Always saying no. Don't try. Not good enough. Why? Not good enough.
It hurts, everything hurts. Ignore it, ignore me. Live. I can't. Why? Why? I can't. It hurts. Everything hurts. I don't want to. Why? I'm not good enough.
Not good enough.
It's there again. Pushing. Why? Who am I? Who would I be? No one. I would be no one. I would not exist. I can't be happy. It's always there, keeping it from me. Everything. nothing. It hurts. Why?"

I really don't think a lot of people understand anxiety and what it feels like to always have that on your shoulders. Everywhere I go, no matter what kind of mood I am, there is this little voice in the back of my head telling me that I am not good enough, all these people around me know that I am not good enough, and they don't want me around them. When I go to places where there are a lot of strangers, especially if I am alone, I get so nervous that my hands shake and I will start sweating at the prospect of talking to any of them. I walk with my head down so they don't notice me. I stutter when I have to talk. If I am in a crowded area too long, it becomes overwhelming to the point of panic. And through all of that, there is a pressure on my mind, it tells me that every person around me notices every single one of my flaws and they are all judging me the same way I judge myself.

If I am around friends, or people I have known for quite a while, it is substantially easier to talk to them, because if they have stuck around long enough to become my friend, they have earned some level of my trust, enough that I only rarely get nervous to the point of having to leave and be alone.

And, contrary to popular belief, being alone when you have social anxiety isn't really much better than being around people. Yes, when I am alone, I no longer feel the pressure of constant judgment, but I instead spend my time over analyzing every single word I said or movement I made that day, trying to see if anything I said or did was wrong. And if i find something that was wrong, I spend hours in my head imagining other possible ways that that specific situation could have played out.

If there is a situation that I know about in advance, it is significantly worse. I will spend hours and sometimes even days, trying to think of every possible circumstance, every possible conversation and I plan my responses to all of them. And then of course, when the time actually comes, I stutter and can't remember what I was going to say before. And then I hate myself for it later.

And always, there is a pressure around my heart. It's always there, squeezing, making me panic. Every time I breath in, it is a struggle, and with every breath out, it pushes harder and I sink lower. Once I get started, I can't stop, and it leads, most usually, to a panic attack.

I hate panic attacks. I always think that maybe if I let myself freak out for a while, I will feel better afterwords. But it never works that way. After a panic attack, not only do I still spend time thinking about what started the panic, which can be something so small and stupid to some people that it doesn't even seem like a legitimate reason. I spend time feeling stupid and selfish and just over all dramatic, because of the panic attack.

I don't think people realize how difficult it is for me to do simple tasks like go to the store, or go to the bank, or walk down a hallway where other people might pass me. Anxiety isn't just something in my head, it's not just something I can ignore, or get over, it's always there, it's always pushing me back, it's always telling me that I am not good enough, that I am doing things wrong.

So stop telling me that it is time to "grow up" or "move on" I am sick of hearing it. If it were that easy to do, I wouldn't feel like crap all the time.

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