Anyway, this was written during a panic attack I had in late march.
“It feels like someones invisible hands are squeezing my heart until it hurts, until I want to cry. Every breath hurts, every exhale makes it harder to inhale. I’m too warm. I can’t breathe. Why am I here? I can’t breathe. It hurts. I don’t know how to fix this, I can’t breathe. I need to breathe. It hurts. My head burns. I can’t get small enough. I’m in the way. It hurts. I can’t breathe. Smaller. I can’t breathe. I need something. Inhale slowly. It still hurts. I pull my hair because I don’t know if I am still there. It hurts. I breathe. It hurts. Calm down. I can’t. Breathe. I can’t. Why? I can’t. Live.”
At the time I remember thinking that someone was talking to me, telling me to calm down and to breathe, but I couldn’t. I guess I was talking to myself, but I don’t remember writing that, besides the beginning part. I started writing because I was very upset about something that someone had said to me, and I guess I sort of talked myself into a panic attack. There was a while in the middle of this when I couldn’t write because my mind was literally to jumbled to do anything, and I don’t remember writing after that. It’s all in my handwriting so I know it was me, but I also think it was someone else.
I believe in the theory of Hive Mind, or collective consciousness, basically it means that everyone alive has a Mind, and the Hive Mind is the sphere where all of those Minds reside. It is why when you discover something new, like a song or a word, you suddenly start seeing it everywhere. I tie this in with my theory that I am the center of the universe and that nothing exists outside of my consciousness.
I believe that the Hive Mind is just a branch of fate pretty much. Fate dictates what I am supposed to hear and see and think by influencing the Hive Mind so that every person and thing around me is thinking or doing exactly what it is meant for me to know or observe at that time. An example of this is from my first post here about church and whatever they were talking about then. In my mind it progresses like this:
1. For the past few weeks I had been feeling alone and sad and I continuously thought that I was supposed to be alone and I wasn’t meant to love anyone.
2. At church I heard the sentence “Love is a decision. You have to decide to fall in love.”
This, in my mind, was Fate telling me that love is not over for me, I just had to decide that it wasn’t over for it to keep going. This thought kept me from falling into what would undoubtedly become a portion of my life spent in depression.
In order for me to hear that exact sentence at the exact time I needed it, I first had to move across the country leaving everyone I know and love behind. Then, at this new location, I had to arrive at the right time, I had to agree to the right offers, and I had to pay attention at exactly the right moment. Not only that, but the people I went with had to have decided to go, decided to invite me, and the pastors had to have decided to do that particular service that day. There were a million other decisions playing into the one single moment that I needed to hear. Sometimes it blows my mind, how powerful Fate is.