But thoughts like that have been getting louder since I moved away from everyone I know, which doesn't make since, because obviously I'm 2,000 miles away from my friends, they aren't going to invite me anywhere.
For the last three weeks or so I haven't even been able to go through my Facebook news feed, because every time I do, there are posts from my niece Grace. As background, Grace and her little sister live with my dad and step mom while their mother, my step sister, works in a city about 4 hours away. I love my nieces and my parents and all that stuff, but every day she posts little videos of her and her sister out doing things with my dad. And I realize that's it's stupid if me, but it's hard to see things like that because my dad spent very little time with me and my sister while we were young and lived with him. On fact, a majority of the time we were there, we were sent to play outside and there were multiple days when I didn't even see my dad because he was working.
I understand that he's older now and doesn't work as much, but I see these videos and posts about him and find myself immediately thinking "why didn't he ever do things like that with me? Why does he spend more time with my step sisters kids in a few days than he did with me in a while summer?"
My niece has been through a lot in the last few years and I know she needs a father figure in her life, and I'm glad she has mine, I really am, but I just wish that I could have had some of that time too. I know he loves my sister and I, and he was a good dad when he was around. Maybe I just miss him. It's been almost two years since I've seen him.
He doesn't call me on my birthday. I wait every year, and he never calls. I think that hurts the most. Neither of us like talking in the phone but at least I call him on his birthday and on Christmas. And then I spend my birthday with my phone in my hand looking at it every few minutes to see if he called. And I let myself hope every year even though he has never called. Not once. And I tell myself that every year, and I tell myself not to even think about it. But I still hope. And then I consider myself lucky if I get a Facebook note from my step mom saying "happy birthday" and she only remembers because Facebook told her. That's why I don't have my birthday listed there anymore.
I'm a 23 year old adult. You would think I would have learned by now.