So while I have the time, I want to make those things count. I want to, but I won't. I don't know how. If my parents died tomorrow, I wouldn't even be able to remember the last thing they said to me. We aren't angry at each other or anything, we just aren't close. I'm not really close to anybody at all. There are people I see every day, but I'm not close to them at all, even though they are my family. It's not dislike, I just don't know how to be close. I don't like sharing myself with others. And why would I?
Every time I've let myself get close to someone, they have let me down when I really needed them. Every single one. Every person I have ever put my trust in has done something to break it.
So why shouldn't I distance myself from everyone I care about? They have all abandoned me or hurt me when I really just needed someone there, so why wouldn't I want to protect myself from that happening again?
If I died tomorrow, what would my last words be? Polite chatter. Because that's as far as I can let myself open up. Maybe, if I consider you a friend, my last words might be a joke of some kind, something to try to make you laugh. Because that's all I know how to do. Make a joke, talk about the weather, and smile.
So here are my last words to you, in case I don't wake up tomorrow, or the next day, or next month.
You have all let me down when I needed you. You have all hurt me at some point, maybe without meaning to, but you have. And I don't forgive you. Any of you.
Dad, every time my birthday comes around I wait the whole day hoping you will call, or text, anything. And you never do. And that really hurts. I've hated my birthday for years because of it. If my own dad can't remember my birthday, if he doesn't care, why should I? It's just another day now. And I know I live far away and it's expensive to travel, but you could at least think about it once in a while, since I traveled to see you ever summer for twenty years. Well I'm done waiting.
Mom, the only thing I've learned from you is how to settle into a life I completely hate and not complain about it or do anything to change it. You make all these promises to try to make things better and then you don't follow them through. Well I'm done believing in them.
To any of my friends, I've tried my hardest to be the one that's always there if I'm needed. I've given rides, gotten up in the middle of the night, covered shifts, changed my plans, lent money, spent time with, and talked to you. And in most of your eyes, it's more important to eat a pizza while it's warm than it was to come help me when my car went in the ditch. I babysit you all when you are drunk or on who know what drugs, but you only talk to me when it's convenient for you to do so. Well that's fine, I'm done thinking you guys will care.
It's not like I expect that much from any of you. I just want little happinesses. Little moments. A meaningful conversation. A kiss on New Years. A random text asking how I am. But I'm not going to expect that anymore. Any of it.
And I'm not going to say I love any of you, because I don't really think I do. I don't live my family. I don't love my friends. I've given that all out before, and it's drained away and I haven't gotten any of it back to refil me. I'm just empty now. I don't have anything left to give. Except this.
My last words to you, all of you, are these; My life has never been happy or good. It's been terrible actually. Yes, I know I have material possessions and make enough to pay bills, which is great. All I could want out of that part of my life actually. But emotionally, it's been terrible. And none of you have made it any better. So no, I don't love you. I don't forgive you. I've become this empty shell, I'm just a person who has given out all the love and care I could, and I've gotten nothing in return. I'm just cold now. Empty, alone, and cold. And I blame all of you. Current friends and past ones. Family I talk to and family I don't. You aren't there for me, you never have been, and now, I'm not here for you.