Friday, January 9, 2015

Last Words

Recently I've been thinking a lot about endings. I know that everything has to end, good things and bad, whether we are ready for it or not. Friendships end, relationships end, lives end. There's nothing we can do to stop those things from happening. No matter what we do, there will be a last time it happens. A last hug, last kiss, last words. 
So while I have the time, I want to make those things count. I want to, but I won't. I don't know how. If my parents died tomorrow, I wouldn't even be able to remember the last thing they said to me. We aren't angry at each other or anything, we just aren't close. I'm not really close to anybody at all. There are people I see every day, but I'm not close to them at all, even though they are my family. It's not dislike, I just don't know how to be close. I don't like sharing myself with others. And why would I? 
Every time I've let myself get close to someone, they have let me down when I really needed them. Every single one. Every person I have ever put my trust in has done something to break it.
So why shouldn't I distance myself from everyone I care about? They have all abandoned me or hurt me when I really just needed someone there, so why wouldn't I want to protect myself from that happening again?

If I died tomorrow, what would my last words be? Polite chatter. Because that's as far as I can let myself open up. Maybe, if I consider you a friend, my last words might be a joke of some kind, something to try to make you laugh. Because that's all I know how to do. Make a joke, talk about the weather, and smile. 
So here are my last words to you, in case I don't wake up tomorrow, or the next day, or next month. 

You have all let me down when I needed you. You have all hurt me at some point, maybe without meaning to, but you have. And I don't forgive you. Any of you. 
Dad, every time my birthday comes around I wait the whole day hoping you will call, or text, anything. And you never do. And that really hurts. I've hated my birthday for years because of it. If my own dad can't remember my birthday, if he doesn't care, why should I? It's just another day now. And I know I live far away and it's expensive to travel, but you could at least think about it once in a while, since I traveled to see you ever summer for twenty years. Well I'm done waiting. 
Mom, the only thing I've learned from you is how to settle into a life I completely hate and not complain about it or do anything to change it. You make all these promises to try to make things better and then you don't follow them through. Well I'm done believing in them. 
To any of my friends, I've tried my hardest to be the one that's always there if I'm needed. I've given rides, gotten up in the middle of the night, covered shifts, changed my plans, lent money, spent time with, and talked to you. And in most of your eyes, it's more important to eat a pizza while it's warm than it was to come help me when my car went in the ditch. I babysit you all when you are drunk or on who know what drugs, but you only talk to me when it's convenient for you to do so. Well that's fine, I'm done thinking you guys will care. 
It's not like I expect that much from any of you. I just want little happinesses. Little moments. A meaningful conversation. A kiss on New Years. A random text asking how I am. But I'm not going to expect that anymore. Any of it. 
And I'm not going to say I love any of you, because I don't really think I do. I don't live my family. I don't love my friends. I've given that all out before, and it's drained away and I haven't gotten any of it back to refil me. I'm just empty now. I don't have anything left to give. Except this. 

My last words to you, all of you, are these; My life has never been happy or good. It's been terrible actually. Yes, I know I have material possessions and make enough to pay bills, which is great. All I could want out of that part of my life actually. But emotionally, it's been terrible. And none of you have made it any better. So no, I don't love you. I don't forgive you. I've become this empty shell, I'm just a person who has given out all the love and care I could, and I've gotten nothing in return. I'm just cold now. Empty, alone, and cold. And I blame all of you. Current friends and past ones. Family I talk to and family I don't. You aren't there for me, you never have been, and now, I'm not here for you. 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Hope is my worst trait

So I have this habit of always feeling excluded from the things around me. Like, I will go through my normal every day life, work, going the the store, things like that, and there is always this little part of me that notices things like "oh some if my friends did something yesterday, why didn't they invite me?" Or "oh they had a lot of fun on their shift at work, why don't any of them talk to me like that?" And things like that. Usually I think I do a pretty good job of ignoring thoughts like that because I know they aren't founded on anything. 

But thoughts like that have been getting louder since I moved away from everyone I know, which doesn't make since, because obviously I'm 2,000 miles away from my friends, they aren't going to invite me anywhere. 

For the last three weeks or so I haven't even been able to go through my Facebook news feed, because every time I do, there are posts from my niece Grace. As background, Grace and her little sister live with my dad and step mom while their mother, my step sister, works in a city about 4 hours away. I love my nieces and my parents and all that stuff, but every day she posts little videos of her and her sister out doing things with my dad. And I realize that's it's stupid if me, but it's hard to see things like that because my dad spent very little time with me and my sister while we were young and lived with him. On fact, a majority of the time we were there, we were sent to play outside and there were multiple days when I didn't even see my dad because he was working. 

I understand that he's older now and doesn't work as much, but I see these videos and posts about him and find myself immediately thinking "why didn't he ever do things like that with me? Why does he spend more time with my step sisters kids in a few days than he did with me in a while summer?" 

My niece has been through a lot in the last few years and I know she needs a father figure in her life, and I'm glad she has mine, I really am, but I just wish that I could have had some of that time too. I know he loves my sister and I, and he was a good dad when he was around. Maybe I just miss him. It's been almost two years since I've seen him.

He doesn't call me on my birthday. I wait every year, and he never calls. I think that hurts the most. Neither of us like talking in the phone but at least I call him on his birthday and on Christmas. And then I spend my birthday with my phone in my hand looking at it every few minutes to see if he called. And I let myself hope every year even though he has never called. Not once. And I tell myself that every year, and I tell myself not to even think about it. But I still hope. And then I consider myself lucky if I get a Facebook note from my step mom saying "happy birthday" and she only remembers because Facebook told her. That's why I don't have my birthday listed there anymore. 

I'm a 23 year old adult. You would think I would have learned by now. 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Existential Crisis

I finally discovered the name for that feeling you get when you realize your life is meaningless. Existential Crises. Why do I exist? What am I doing with my life? Why am I here? 

I haven't been sleeping well. I can't shut off my mind. I feel completely hopeless. When I look back at my life, all I can see is half finished projects and abandoned ideas. I have never completed anything in my life. I don't even know how to.

What am I here? I am supposed to be taking care of my great grandparents, that is why I loved here. But I don't do anything. I make lunch and water plants and spend the rest of the day trying to find things to keep my mind off of what a pointless life I am leading. 

What am I doing with my life? At first I thought I was depressed because I moved away from my friends and life to come to a place I dislike and where I don't know anyone. I thought maybe I was beconing sad simply because I have no company and am alone. And then I considered, maybe I am just bored? And I have subconsciously been thinking that when I move back, everything will be fine and I will be happy. But that isn't true. Here, I am alone, I am bored, I am practically useless, and I am going nowhere in life. That won't change when I move back. Am I just supposed to lead a boring life with a boring job and not need other people for the rest of my life? It feels like that is all I can expect, because that is all I know how to do. It's all I have ever done. 

I have always been alone, I have never had a best friend, or anyone that I could trust would just accept me unconditionally no matter what. Maybe that is just what I deserve from life. I am unable to put effort into life, because I am unable to receive what I truly want from life, and it is a never ending circle. I have already given up. I think I gave up a very long time ago. 

Why do I exist? For a while I thought that I was put here to help people.  And I was completely convinced that that was my purpose in life, and that I should focus myself around that fact. I thought, since I enjoy helping people, that is what I exist to do. But I was lying. To myself and others. I do enjoy helping people, but it is purely selfish. I help people because taking care of others helps me to feel like I am atoning for a life that has been so far spent meaninglessly. I am not a good person, so I thought helping other people would make me not hate myself so much. I completely hate myself. It has become habit, second nature, to try to help people or to smile and be nice to people, but it doesn't mean anything. 

I know that my life is meaningless, but I am making no effort to change that fact, and I have just recently realized that that is my attitude towards everything in my life. And it has been since I was a child. I had no friends as a kid but I didn't try to talk to people. I got made fun if in school, but I made no effort to stand up for myself, or even to try to change the things I was made fun of for. I have been drifting through life, completely and utterly alone, but I have never tried to become attached to anything or anyone who would possibly be able to keep me tied to life. 

Because I have already given up. I see no reason to fight for life, and I never have. Even as a child, I saw no reason to continue existing, no reason to improve myself or my quality of thinking. 

But I see no reason to die either. In not afraid of it, I just don't see the point in dying. Maybe I will someday, I will have a moment of clarity that will end up being a beautiful revelation that can result in my death. I look forward to that happening. 

But until then, I guess I can just exist for no reason, no purpose. I can just drift along, driving myself insane along the way, until that one final beautiful moment when I can see everything that life or death has to offer and I can choose one. 

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Addiction

I have been having a pretty good week. I haven't been getting sad, I have been talking with people, I made some new friends. I am waiting for it all to crash down, so I'm not building it any higher. I know that good things end, so I am afraid to make good things into great things.

I was talking to someone about addictions a few days ago, and I came to the realization that I have never been addicted to anything. I have smoked before, drank before, I have been on medication before, but I have never felt a constant pull to continue smoking or drinking or anything. And I think it is more than that. I go through phases of liking things, but I have never had a problem not having those things that I like. When I think of addiction, I don't just think about drugs or bad things, but good things too, like love, friendship, people. I have never felt an addiction toward any good things either. And I really want to.

I did try once, to become addicted to smoking, even though I knew it was bad for me, but I never could. As soon as I wasn't thinking about smoking, i would forget about it until someone else brought it up, and then I was like "Okay I guess I will have one" but it was never a constant need for one. And you might think it is a good thing to not be ale to get addicted to things, but I hate it. I will never have a strong purpose in life because I can't become addicted to anything, good, or bad. So yeah, I cut out that bad part from my life, but I can't get the good part without the bad, so I cut that out too. And I just sort of drift through the middle of life, without any pulls towards anything else. I want to be addicted to something, because I think that if I knew what that was like, I would have an easier time applying that to the good things, like love and friends and stuff.

All I want from life is to love and be loved, not necessarily romantically, just love. And I can't have that, because love is an addiction, and I can't become addicted. I hate it. Out of all the people who have problems with addiction to things, I had to be the one person who wants to be addicted, and can't be. That is my life I guess. If I could let myself be ruled by something else, a desire or whatever for something, let myself be addicted, I wouldn't have messed up all of my relationships in the past, and maybe I could have a good one in the future. But I doubt that will ever happen, and some part of me doesn't want it to.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Guys Make Me Uncomfortable 05/18/14

Hello. I have realized in the last few weeks that I am extremely uncomfortable around males. Of any age, except maybe young children. I mean, I am uncomfortable around all people, but guys just make me extra uncomfortable, and I'm not really sure why. I automatically assume that everything guys say is meant to be creepy. Like, all complaints, or just general comments I take as them being creepy. Even if they don't say anything, i am just nervous around guys. For example, if I have a choice between a guy and a girl check out person at a store, I'd go through the girls lane even if I had to wait longer.

I had a normal childhood, it was probably good, nothing traumatic happened or anything, but for some reason guys attention in any form makes me extremely uncomfortable, to the point that I avoid all guys. My friends think it is funny that I am easily startled, and I am I guess, but it wouldn't be nearly as startling if they weren't male. Like, I know none of them would ever do anything bad or whatever, but I just automatically think that bad things will happen or something. I don't know what I am trying to say here. Anyway ,I am going to try to stop automatically assuming that all guys are creeps, or weird, or whatever.

I got this idea from a video on youtube that I am going to start doing, basically, you have this bracelet, and every time you complain about something, you switch it to the other arm, the goal being to keep it on one arm for 21 days, because that is how long it takes to form a habit. Doing this is supposed to get you out of the habit of complaining, and make you start to think more positively. I am also counting things I write, if they are negative, since I don't really do a lot of talking. I have only had to change it once today, so I guess I'm not that bad, I used to complain about everything, not in a complaining way, just as a 'I'm just saying' way that other people took as complaining. So I am trying to break that habit. And once I get to 21 days, I am going to start doing it for every time I think something negative or complaining, because I think a lot of things I don't say.

Well, I don't really have anything else to say, so bye for now.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Music Part One 05/17/14

Writing everyday is not working for me, it feels like a chore now. I think I am going to change it to whenever I feel like writing, which will probably be every other day, or every three days.

So I realized today, as I was driving to the grocery store, that I haven't actually listened to music in almost two weeks. That is a super long time for me. I mean, I have had it on in the background, but I haven't been listening, not really. When I hear songs, I usually just automatically start dissecting them, I listen to all the separate instruments and then all the different notes that are sung as well, and I find whichever one I like best, and from then on when I hear that song, that is the part I hear, which is why I think that I can like almost any music, because I twist the song so I can hear what I want to hear from it. I found myself doing that on the way to the store, I think the song was by the Dave Matthews Band, I don't know what the song was called though. I've heard it a few times before, and I really like the first three or four lines, but the rest of the lyrics aren't good, so I don't usually listen to them when I hear the song, I actually listen to the drums, which I don't usually do, usually it's piano or guitar that I listen to when I don't like the words, but anyway, I found myself doing that, realized that it has been a very long time since I have done that, and instantly my day was better, like I was finding something about me that I had forgotten so now I feel more like the person I used to be two weeks ago, and I was happy with that.

Also, it is nice to get out of the house sometimes, I don't do that often here because I don't know anyone here, and I don't really know any places to go to. I only went to the grocery store a few blocks away, but it definitely boosted my mood some. I have decided that I am probably going to start going on walks or something, because it seems to help a bit.

Okay, I found the song on YouTube, it's called Crash Into Me, and I relistened to it, and I really like the first few lines, like a lot, but the rest of the song isn't good. Sometime, I am going to make a list of all the lyrics I find that I really like, and I am going to put them together into a really great song.

 I also have been watching a lot of Alex Day videos on YouTube, that has consumed my free time the last twoish days, and I love all of them, like every video is hilarious, so I think that contributes to my good mood.

I still haven't been sleeping much. I fall asleep hours after actually going to be, and I wake up a lot throughout the night, and then I have to get up early for 'work' but for some reason, this hasn't made my good moods leave the last few days.

So yeah, I only started writing this because I wanted to say that I am not going to write every day from now on. But I started rambling about music.

Music is the biggest part of my life, it has been since grade school. As a child, when I was bored I did this thing where I would try to hum the exact note of something that was around me, usually this was on the bus to of from school, but I would hum the exact note of something on the bus, like the engine running, or the tires on pavement, and I would just try to match the pitch. I did it around pretty much anything electrical that made a constant tone, or cars running, pretty much anything. And I would pick apart the things that made that pitch, and try to figure out exactly what it was that was doing it. In a noisy place, I didn't like noisy places as a child, they would scare me, so to avoid being scared in loud places, I would pick apart everything that was making noise, and I would find one thing to focus on. So now I do that with music, just subconsciously.

Well cool, that's something about me. And I could ramble on about music for a very long time, and maybe I will do that soon, but not today, because I really actually just want to go back to YouTube to watch more of Alex Day's videos, because they are very very addicting. So, bye.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Mostly Useless Rambling 05/16/14

So I have realized in the past that when I watch things, or read things, I get very caught up in what is happening. It's why I cry when I read sad things or laugh out loud when I read or watch movies, stuff like that. Yesterday, it occurred to me that most people don't do that. I wonder why? It also was pointed out to me yesterday that, someone said I should respond, and I already did that. Like, when I am watching things, mostly just videos from people I know well, but sometimes from people I don't know, I think of responses, I nod or shake my head, sometimes I follow along as if I were sitting with them actually talking to them. And usually they respond to my response. And I guess that is weird. A bit. I can sit down and watch an hour long video from my friend on youtube, and we will have a conversation that I feel a part of because when I am listening to it, you are just saying it. Timey wimey.

Anyway, I have always been really over emotional, it sort of runs in my family I guess. I cry at everything. There are times in the past where I have almost cried while watching the news, or commercials, and a while ago, like 5 or 6 years ago when I was on medication for depression and anxiety, she told me I have lot serotonin. I didn't pay attention to it at the time, because I didn't know what the hell serotonin was, and I didn't really care, I was only there because my parents made me go. I stopped taking the medication after three ish months, for multiple reasons, and didn't think about it again for a very long time. Recently though, I was looking through files I have kept for years because they were at one time important, and one of the files was my prescription for my medication and stuff, so I started looking up serotonin and stuff, and I basically just got this whole list of things to eat or do that increase serotonin which increases your mood. I guess I will find out if it works. I don't really know what this has to do with anything at all. Whatever.

I am listening to the hour long youtube video as I write this so I will probably be jumping around a little. I will probably relisten to it a lot, not really because I need to in order to remember what was said, but moreso because it is like hanging out with friends again.

Maybe I will just write from the journal again. A really short thing I wrote a while ago when I was unsure whether I was getting worse or getting better.
"I can't tell if I am looking up out of the dark or down as I'm falling deeper into the dark. Am I okay now? Am I making this worse for myself in the long run or can I let myself feel better? Happy. No. Just okay. Because when I feel happy, I have to ruin it. How will I know if I am dreaming or awake? I don't know."

I don't feel the need to elaborate or rant as I type this, which is odd, because I usually do. But, maybe from the lack of sleep I have been getting, or something to that extent, I have been in a, not a good mood, but more of an I don't really care mood. Like, I don't feel the need to explain this much, because I think I have in the past, and also, I write this for someone who doesn't read it, and most of the time I don't care, because I figure that someday when you get bored enough you might, and if you don't, in my head, I still told you, so you understand. But today I just don't feel like putting much effort into it. I feel like, if I took out all the boring stuff, the me thinking of what to say parts, like you do in your videos, I would have about two or three paragraphs of things i think you would find interesting enough to read. But I don't edit past the superficial, I just ramble on. So here is my unedited thought stream, to me, it is much more interesting than an edited one would be, because seeing the train of thought that led to a very interesting subject or sentence, is the most interesting part. Free thought or free talk or whatever, is my favorite thing to read or listen to. Because, while I might agree with something you think, I came to that conclusion from a different way, so I see it in a different light, so I might not actually agree with what you said, because you take a different meaning out of it than I do. but if I can see the thought train that led you there, then I can see it from the same angle you do, so I could actually agree or disagree. I don't really know if this has much of a point. I will stop rambling now.