Monday, May 12, 2014

I Don't Have A Title For This 05/11/14

I just wanted to take a few minutes to write about depression. It’s something that I don’t understand, and that I think most other people don’t understand either. I have been told by a psychologist that I have “Clinical Depression” but really, she made that decision after only an hour of me talking to her. She told me to come back every week, but I didn’t for multiple reasons. First, telling a stranger about my life, my fears, everything I don’t want to talk about, I hated that. It was awful. It’s much easier to do on the internet, maybe because I don’t have to actually see whoever I am telling this to. Second, how could I ever feel comfortable around someone who could judge me so quickly, an hour really isn’t that much time, so how could she possibly be able to tell me I am depressed? Third, talking about depression makes me very uncomfortable.
Even me typing this makes me uncomfortable. Depression is my least favorite thing to talk about, and this post, so far, has taken me almost two hours to write, but I am forcing myself to write it anyway, because I hope it will keep me from thinking about it.
I hate saying I am depressed. What does that even mean? Absolutely nothing, it’s just a word. It is unreasonably hard for me to write that I am depressed.
I feel like if I say that, I am just seeking attention. I am just trying to be something in someones eyes that they can give sympathy to. I’m not, that isn’t why I write. But every time I think about talking to someone about depression, I immediately dismiss the thought, because I don’t want them to think that I am just being an over dramatic stupid girl.
I feel like I have to watch everything I do or say, because if I say something wrong about myself, people will think I am just seeking attention. And that is one of my worst fears. I don’t want to be seen as a stupid, dramatic, attention seeking child.
I don’t understand why I feel this way.
Sometimes I go through mood swings, but not really mood swings, they don’t come suddenly. For at least three days now I have felt like I am sinking into a low mood. During these times, I continually have thoughts like “Why does this matter?” “Why bother?” “What is the point?” about everything. They start out being about little things that don’t even matter, but then I start thinking, “Why am I here?” “Why do I bother?”
This was awfully written, because it is hard to write about. I will reword it.

I feel like a lot of the time life doesn’t have a purpose. I have no reason to be existing. And I hate it, but I can’t do anything about it, so why bother trying? I don’t know why I bother writing posts online, because nobody reads them. I don’t know why I bother getting up in the morning because I literally sit around and do nothing all day. I don’t know anything. I am not happy. I am never happy. I can’t sleep at night because I can’t close my eyes because I am afraid to dream, because the worst feeling in the morning is waking up from a dream where I was happy.

And I hate saying any of that because it all comes off as being a stupid attention seeking bitch. And I hate feeling like that. So I don’t say anything. Everyone has their own problems, and I know mine are stupid and self inflicted, I have been told. But I don’t know what to do anymore, I never really did. How am I supposed to go through life on a day to day basis, knowing that I am never going to be happy, I am always going to feel this way, because that is who I am. I am depressed, and that will never change.

I know I have said this already, but this is literally harder to put into words than anything I have ever written before. Was it worth it? I have now spent four and a half hours on this post and I don’t feel any better. But I don’t feel any worse either. So maybe it was worth it. I guess I won’t ever know for sure.

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