Even me typing this makes me uncomfortable. Depression is my least favorite thing to talk about, and this post, so far, has taken me almost two hours to write, but I am forcing myself to write it anyway, because I hope it will keep me from thinking about it.
I hate saying I am depressed. What does that even mean? Absolutely nothing, it’s just a word. It is unreasonably hard for me to write that I am depressed.
I feel like if I say that, I am just seeking attention. I am just trying to be something in someones eyes that they can give sympathy to. I’m not, that isn’t why I write. But every time I think about talking to someone about depression, I immediately dismiss the thought, because I don’t want them to think that I am just being an over dramatic stupid girl.
I feel like I have to watch everything I do or say, because if I say something wrong about myself, people will think I am just seeking attention. And that is one of my worst fears. I don’t want to be seen as a stupid, dramatic, attention seeking child.
I don’t understand why I feel this way.
Sometimes I go through mood swings, but not really mood swings, they don’t come suddenly. For at least three days now I have felt like I am sinking into a low mood. During these times, I continually have thoughts like “Why does this matter?” “Why bother?” “What is the point?” about everything. They start out being about little things that don’t even matter, but then I start thinking, “Why am I here?” “Why do I bother?”
This was awfully written, because it is hard to write about. I will reword it.
I feel like a lot of the time life doesn’t have a purpose. I have no reason to be existing. And I hate it, but I can’t do anything about it, so why bother trying? I don’t know why I bother writing posts online, because nobody reads them. I don’t know why I bother getting up in the morning because I literally sit around and do nothing all day. I don’t know anything. I am not happy. I am never happy. I can’t sleep at night because I can’t close my eyes because I am afraid to dream, because the worst feeling in the morning is waking up from a dream where I was happy.
And I hate saying any of that because it all comes off as being a stupid attention seeking bitch. And I hate feeling like that. So I don’t say anything. Everyone has their own problems, and I know mine are stupid and self inflicted, I have been told. But I don’t know what to do anymore, I never really did. How am I supposed to go through life on a day to day basis, knowing that I am never going to be happy, I am always going to feel this way, because that is who I am. I am depressed, and that will never change.
I know I have said this already, but this is literally harder to put into words than anything I have ever written before. Was it worth it? I have now spent four and a half hours on this post and I don’t feel any better. But I don’t feel any worse either. So maybe it was worth it. I guess I won’t ever know for sure.