Thursday, June 19, 2014

Existential Crisis

I finally discovered the name for that feeling you get when you realize your life is meaningless. Existential Crises. Why do I exist? What am I doing with my life? Why am I here? 

I haven't been sleeping well. I can't shut off my mind. I feel completely hopeless. When I look back at my life, all I can see is half finished projects and abandoned ideas. I have never completed anything in my life. I don't even know how to.

What am I here? I am supposed to be taking care of my great grandparents, that is why I loved here. But I don't do anything. I make lunch and water plants and spend the rest of the day trying to find things to keep my mind off of what a pointless life I am leading. 

What am I doing with my life? At first I thought I was depressed because I moved away from my friends and life to come to a place I dislike and where I don't know anyone. I thought maybe I was beconing sad simply because I have no company and am alone. And then I considered, maybe I am just bored? And I have subconsciously been thinking that when I move back, everything will be fine and I will be happy. But that isn't true. Here, I am alone, I am bored, I am practically useless, and I am going nowhere in life. That won't change when I move back. Am I just supposed to lead a boring life with a boring job and not need other people for the rest of my life? It feels like that is all I can expect, because that is all I know how to do. It's all I have ever done. 

I have always been alone, I have never had a best friend, or anyone that I could trust would just accept me unconditionally no matter what. Maybe that is just what I deserve from life. I am unable to put effort into life, because I am unable to receive what I truly want from life, and it is a never ending circle. I have already given up. I think I gave up a very long time ago. 

Why do I exist? For a while I thought that I was put here to help people.  And I was completely convinced that that was my purpose in life, and that I should focus myself around that fact. I thought, since I enjoy helping people, that is what I exist to do. But I was lying. To myself and others. I do enjoy helping people, but it is purely selfish. I help people because taking care of others helps me to feel like I am atoning for a life that has been so far spent meaninglessly. I am not a good person, so I thought helping other people would make me not hate myself so much. I completely hate myself. It has become habit, second nature, to try to help people or to smile and be nice to people, but it doesn't mean anything. 

I know that my life is meaningless, but I am making no effort to change that fact, and I have just recently realized that that is my attitude towards everything in my life. And it has been since I was a child. I had no friends as a kid but I didn't try to talk to people. I got made fun if in school, but I made no effort to stand up for myself, or even to try to change the things I was made fun of for. I have been drifting through life, completely and utterly alone, but I have never tried to become attached to anything or anyone who would possibly be able to keep me tied to life. 

Because I have already given up. I see no reason to fight for life, and I never have. Even as a child, I saw no reason to continue existing, no reason to improve myself or my quality of thinking. 

But I see no reason to die either. In not afraid of it, I just don't see the point in dying. Maybe I will someday, I will have a moment of clarity that will end up being a beautiful revelation that can result in my death. I look forward to that happening. 

But until then, I guess I can just exist for no reason, no purpose. I can just drift along, driving myself insane along the way, until that one final beautiful moment when I can see everything that life or death has to offer and I can choose one.