Monday, May 12, 2014

Change 05/12/14

So, I switched over to from today because their site is constantly down, and I promised myself that I would write every day. Today will be my first real post on this site. I still don't know what I am going to write about.

Yesterday was a hard day for me, I have had very little sleep the last three or four days because I keep waking up from nightmares. Most of the time I have normal dreams that I forget as soon as I wake up, but for the past three nights, I have had weird dreams in which people that I know and love usually end up dying, or becoming horrific people and I have to watch as they kill people or something to that extent. I don't know why I am having these weird dreams all of a sudden, I haven't been doing anything out of the ordinary, but they wake me up, usually between 2 and 4 am, and I can't go back to sleep. Yesterday, I spent about four hours writing my post, I won't be doing that again, but today I do feel a lot better, so maybe writing about depression helped.

I have a list of topics that I want to write about eventually, well, they are actually more just prompt words. The first one is Change, so I guess that can be todays topic. I generally like change. I like having new things to do, I like meeting new people, trying new things, and all that jazz, but somewhere deep down, I really really hate change. Ideally, I would like to find a time and place that I am happy in, and just stay there, not letting anything change ever, but obviously that isn't possible. And I have a tendency to destroy my own happiness as soon as I recognize it anyway.

It's like, as soon as I think, "I could stay like this forever and still be happy" I do something to destroy that. I alienate the people that made me feel  like that, I destroy the relationships with them, and I altogether forget why i thought I was happy in the first place. I have done this for as long as I can remember, but I have no idea how to stop doing it. And I don't know why I do it. Well, maybe I have a theory about it.

When I feel completely content and happy, which has happened on two separate occasions in my life, the first was when I was about 14, I was walking on a hiking trail near my dads house in the beginning of the summer before high school started, and I realized just suddenly, that I had no obligations, no requirements, no job, no reason to do anything, no responsibility, nothing binding me to anything here, and for some reason, that thought, that sudden realization, made me so happy, so completely content with my life, that I felt like I was just floating, I can now compare it to the feeling of being high, though I didn't know what that was like at the age of 14. The next week, I went out and got a job, and I have been working ever since. The second time I was completely content and happy with life was about two years ago. I completely ruined everything about that time that made me happy, I ruined the relationship with the person who made me feel that way, and we still don't talk at all.

My theory of why I do this is simple. If I feel too happy, I can't tell if I am awake. As a child, I used to have those dreams where I would get up, get ready for school and all that stuff, and then I would wake up to discover that I had to do all of that again, but in the dream, it would feel as though I was actually awake. I still occasionally have dreams like that, or I dream that I am back in the past when I was happy, only to wake and discover that I have already ruined that feeling. If I become too happy, I begin to have doubts about whether or not I am actually awake. I begin to wonder if I am sleeping and this is all a dream. So I do things to sabotage myself. Because when I am hurting, I know I am awake and that what I am feeling is real. If I am too happy, I can't exist. I have thought this for a while, and the more I think about it, the more it leaks into my life. It's starting to become that every time I feel myself becoming too happy, about anything, little things, I do something to ruin that, because I don't know if it is real. I am afraid of the day when I start dreaming about being hurt, because then I don't know how I will ever be able to tell the difference between when I am awake or asleep, and then I won't know if anything is real.

The reason I formed this theory is because when I was little, I used to have to spend every summer at my dads house. I would spend the entire summer hoping that time would speed up so that I could go back to my moms, where I had friends, and liked being. When I was about 13, I dreamed that I was nine again, and that I had been sleeping and only dreamed that I was 13 and now that I was "awake" I would have to relive the last four years that I had just "dreamed" about. When I woke up, I forgot the dream for nearly three weeks, and then something little reminded me of it, and it stayed in my mind. It's still in my mind. And I keep thinking, what if I am just dreaming this right now? Life is moving so quickly, it must be a dream, and I am going to wake up and be nine years old again and I am going to have to relive the last 14 years. Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that they scare me. In them, I can see everything in detail that I don't even know I noticed in my waking life, which is why dreams about my actual life are so confusing to me.

Someday I am going to wake up and realize that my entire life has been a dream.

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