Alone, Always, Empty 05/07/14

I have decided to rewrite everything in my current journal, since I have such a problem coming up with new ideas. This particular journal was started right after a break up, not a bad one, but I was definitely in a bad place for a while afterwords, and this was written when I was in a dark mood. I tend to just let thoughts progress when I write, but if I am upset my thoughts jump a lot and tend to not follow a visible progression, at least not one that makes sense. This was written in mid March and is the first entry in this book.

“I feel alone. Why am I alone?
Why? Why am I here?
That follows me everywhere no matter where I am or when or with who, no matter how happy or sad or anything. It’s always there. Sometimes its a passing remark, sometimes it’s a harsh question. Sometimes its not even directed at me. But its always there.
Always. Such a strange concept. I can’t even begin to grasp the idea of always. What does that mean? To me, right now, it’s an empty promise. Empty words. Empty words. Empty ideas, empty thoughts, empty minds. How can anything be consistent enough to be always? Everything is always so meaningless. So empty.
Empty. Nonexistent, not there, gone. Empty, my mind is empty of meaning. My life is empty of meaning. But then again, what is life if it isn’t empty of meaning? My life is empty, so therefore life is empty. There is no way to change that. I have tried and failed, tried again, and failed again. Over and over and why? My life is empty and it will stay empty because if it weren’t empty it wouldn’t be my life.”

The last section is really the only one I feel like I need to expand on, the rest is just random thoughts. Well all of it is really.

Anyway, there is a part where I say “my life is empty, so therefore life is empty.” is part of this big theory I have, someone else mentioned it, I don’t remember who now, and at first I thought it was a bit weird but makes sense. Now I find myself thinking it continuously, and believing it sometimes, and I can tell when I fully believe it, because I feel crazy. At those times, I feel like my mind has somehow transcended the place it is supposed to be at, and the thought that I could be crazy snaps me back to only thinking of it as a possible theory, rather than the truth.

But anyway, the idea is that I exist, and that is all that I know to be true, so I am the center of truth and the center of life, essentially, the center of the universe. Everything that exists is there simply because I want it to be, or I need it to be. Things outside of my knowledge don’t exist. If I am not currently thinking about something, it doesn’t exist. I see existence as a sphere, everything I am currently thinking about at any given moment is inside the sphere and therefore exists. Everything else, places I have never heard of, people I have never met, other things I do know about but am not thinking about at this moment, those things are all outside the sphere and they do not exist until I think about them.
The universe exists inside my mind. Everything in it, the people and places, are there because I think about them. I created them in my mind. Everything that happens, everything I see and hear and think, those happen because they are inside my mind, I thought of them, subconsciously, so they happen.

Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy, but at times like that I remember that if I am, everything around me exists inside my mind, so I couldn’t possibly be insane because if I was, those things around me would not exist, and neither would I.