Wednesday, December 9, 2015

The Little Things

Ive heard and read multiple times that it's the little things that you should look forward to rather than some outlandish goal that will more than likely never come to pass, and I've always thought that it was one of those stupid things people say to other people to try to sound like they actually understand what it means to be depressed or even unhappy in general. 
But I think I understand a little better now. I think maybe that's an accurate thing to do. Look forward to the small things. The little things that make he month worth sticking around for. The little things that make the week tolerable. The little things through your the day that just make the day worth being there for. 
Sometimes for me those things are sunsets, cool clouds, even something as little as a bird flying near me or a cat rubbing it's face against me, or someone smiling at me. 
Those things are the nice little things that I used to think weren't enough, weren't worth sticking around for. But they are, sometimes. Mostly when I'm drunk. But there are other things too I think. Like kissing, that's fun, and like flowers that are nice, or cool plants in the grocery store hat I always want to buy. I used to think those thing we're just stupid things that I sort of like but they are part of what makes me, me. 
And I've never liked that before, the me thing, but there have always been things I've sort of liked. Like me eyes, I like those, and sometimes I like other things about me. Like my hair, or my sarcasm. And those little things make me feel like the rest of me is almost worth putting up with. 
I mean, I must be at least a little tolerable to people because if I wasn't I would really have no friends instead of just saying that. It's not true, I do have friends. Jacob. Angie most of the time. Even though I have noting in common with Angie and only a little bit in common with Jacob, they are still my friends. 
I'm a newer friend but that doesn't mean I'm a worse friend right? 
I don't know though, maybe I'm just thinking of this now because I said I wanted to distance myself from all of them. 
I'm not good at accepting change so when I decide to start doing something different it just seems like everything in the universe try's to make it hard for me to follow through on that decision. 
I used to think that rant that I shouldn't follow through but maybe that's just the universe telling me that it's going to be hard so I need to make sure now that I'm actually gonna do it. Usually I give up. 
Maybe this time I shouldn't. I should try to distance myself. 
I don't know. Maybe it's because in drunk now. Being drunk makes me feel more affectionate which makes me feel more attached. That's probably all this is. 
I like being drunk. It's just a good excuse. But I don't like being drunk because Io tell secrets I didn't want to tell. 
The past is the past and it should stay there but I am so bad at keeping it there. 
What's he point of honking about it at all anyway? It just hurts and I know I'll regret it later if I remember. I hope I don't. 
Is it okay to blame everything on one event in the past though? I do that because I don't remember most of what happened after that event, it's all blocked out. But there are just so many Hingis that make sense as coming from that as a side effect but what if I'm just fucked up in general and I'm using that as an excuse? 
Angie is so much better at this than I am, she can deal with it and move on and get her life right, I can't do that yet. I can't forget. It's always in my mind, sans a few occasions.
So being drunk makes it feel better emotionally but it gives me more to think about later when I'm trying to sleep. 
Why can't I sleep? I'm so drunk, and I'm high too, and I'm so so tired, but instead of just falling asleep like a normal person I stay awake and write posts in my head until I think I have enough to write about hen I type it up and talk myself through all my thoughts until I feel like the subject is done. That's hard to do sometimes, like right now, when I can't remember what he first subject was. 
Oh, the little things. 
Anyway, looking forward to the little things, or even the possibility of the little things, that's what I'm doing now. There's a small chance that the things I enjoy will happen, so I probably should be around to see them and enjoy them right? Yeah, I think so. 
I've never been able to look forward to large events, but I think I can manage the littler things. I think I can do that. 
So that's what I'm going to try to do now. I'm probably going to get an A in accounting, that's a little thing to look forward to. My cat is probably not going to die. I have friends who love me that I live too. I found an alcohol I don't mind drinking. I'm going to straighten my hair tomorrow and I really like it when it's straightened. I have some mediocre spinach artichoke dip in the fridge that I'm going to eat tomorrow, kinda looking forward to that. I think Angie is not mad at me anymore, so that's good. 
If I just don't think about the things hat I know are going to happen that suck, I think I can almost stay positive for a while. 
That's a good thing. Probably. 
 Not going to give up right now. I don't even feel like I need to. I feel like I should really try with my life even though I don't know what I'm trying for. 
I think that's enough for now. 

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