Sunday, December 27, 2015


Do you ever thing that Hingis happen because you want them to? Or because you think about them a lot? Not everything, just some things. Well, maybe everything, but not as a constant thing, maybe a residual thing? Like you thought about it a lot a long time ago and even though it didn't come in the form you wanted it to, it still happened and you just didn't notice it and now it's a reoccurring thing that you only sort of notice in the back of your mind. 
When I spend a lot of time thinking about something, or stressing out about it, or even being angry about it, things just sort of resolve them selves. I think I wrote about that before. Or I thought about writing about it. 
I can't list examples, I don't really remember the smaller things once I stop thinking about them, but the bigger things, at least the recent ones, I can remember sort of without details. 
I'll start with the cat since that's an older one. He was sick and there was maybe a 5% chance he would love, the vet said. And even though the chances were improbable and I had no way to pay for it, everything worked out fine. But I spent so much time, at least a month, just sort of knowing in the back of my mind that he was going to die, and I stressed about it a lot. It was the first time I've felt that sinking, crushing feeling in my chest in years. It's the feeling I associate with heartbreak. And it was so stupid because, logically speaking, he's just a cat. There are a thousand more to chose from if he died. It would have been cheaper to let him die. But I got him because I was lonely, probably the first time I was actually alone, I couldn't even last a week alone in that apartment, and he's always been with me since. So I took the hard road. But everything worked out even though I highly I knew for sure that it wouldn't work out. 
Maybe that's not a good example. Or at least, I'm not writing it to be a good example. 
What's another one? Now that I'm writing it and thinking about it in order, it's hard to recall. 
Jacob, probably, but that's an obvious one. I felt alone and isolated so I made that happen. For a while. That's not a good example either. 
I guess the most recent thing, the one that put me back on this line of thinking after months of not, well, not enough to write about it anyway. 
It's been harder and harder for me to compile my list of reasons to stay. Or to love and put effort into living. 
But the idea of Renee having a baby, it changes the way I think about her, I guess. She's not my baby sister anymore. Now she's going to be a mom. 
I've been excited since she told me a few days ago, it's definitely something worth sticking around for and I really only need one concrete reason at a time. 
And I'm trying so hard not to be jealous, and it's actually been working even though she now literally has everything I've ever wanted from life. All the things I'm not likely to get. 
I was looking for a reason, consciously searching for one for the last month or so, which is a kind of short time for things to play them selves out going off past things, and I found one. 
I don't really know what epiphany I was trying to find from writing through these thoughts. Maybe I was just writing because it feels weird to be up so late (it's almost 3 now which is late for me) but I think I was trying to explain something, I had a solid point when I started writing but I don't remember it now. 
Maybe I'll write again tomorrow night. 

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