Friday, June 5, 2015

About Nothing

I spend a lot of time thinking about how I'm not really doing anything with my life and how I really should start trying to accomplish something. In fact, the though crosses my mind several times a day at the weirdest of times. Usually it's when I see people who are more successful that I am, which is a lot or propel, or when I see someone my age who has their entire life together already. And then I start thinking about why I've never done anything worthwhile, and I always sort of think that I should start doing something, maybe just reading a book I've been meaning to read or something like that. 
But what if it just doesn't get any better than this? I've had a high point in my life and a really low point and now I'm just sort of coasting along aomewhere in the middle. But what if that's just where I'm going to stay for the rest of my life?
Maybe there is a reason I have no motivation to do anything useful and maybe that's the same reason that I've never been able to accomplish anything or keep a meaningful relationship with any friends or family or why I start getting antsy when things are the same for too long. Maybe it's why I'm a pushover and have spent my entire life doing what I think people expect me to do. 
Maybe I'm just done with the things I was supposed to do in life and now I'm just waiting. For nothing. 
I'm not happy or unhappy or anything at all really. I'm just meh. I used to like to think I was a little bit good with words, but I don't have any idea how to explain that. Like there used to be things that would annoy me and things that I liked that would make me smile a little, but now it's just nothing. There's nothing there. I'm just doing things to fill time until I find more things to do. 
I usually write here when I can't sleep, but I haven't been able to fall asleep well for weeks now, and usually that's because something is bothering me or something's on my mind but I have nothing this time. There's just nothing to think about. But I still can't sleep. 
I realized this morning that the only reason I bother getting out of bed in the mornings is because if I don't get up it will cause more conversation with my grandparents and I avoid conversation with everyone as much as possible, especially because when I live with people everything they say makes me feel impatient with them.
I don't really know where this rant was supposed to be going, and it hasn't really helped me fall asleep, so I guess it doesn't really have a purpose since it's not really about anything.
Maybe something is bothering me and I just don't know what it is and since its habit to write when I can't sleep I ended up here. And sometimes when I free write I can get myself to think of whatever it is I'm trying to realize. I guess it didn't work this time. 

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