Addiction

I have been having a pretty good week. I haven't been getting sad, I have been talking with people, I made some new friends. I am waiting for it all to crash down, so I'm not building it any higher. I know that good things end, so I am afraid to make good things into great things.

I was talking to someone about addictions a few days ago, and I came to the realization that I have never been addicted to anything. I have smoked before, drank before, I have been on medication before, but I have never felt a constant pull to continue smoking or drinking or anything. And I think it is more than that. I go through phases of liking things, but I have never had a problem not having those things that I like. When I think of addiction, I don't just think about drugs or bad things, but good things too, like love, friendship, people. I have never felt an addiction toward any good things either. And I really want to.

I did try once, to become addicted to smoking, even though I knew it was bad for me, but I never could. As soon as I wasn't thinking about smoking, i would forget about it until someone else brought it up, and then I was like "Okay I guess I will have one" but it was never a constant need for one. And you might think it is a good thing to not be ale to get addicted to things, but I hate it. I will never have a strong purpose in life because I can't become addicted to anything, good, or bad. So yeah, I cut out that bad part from my life, but I can't get the good part without the bad, so I cut that out too. And I just sort of drift through the middle of life, without any pulls towards anything else. I want to be addicted to something, because I think that if I knew what that was like, I would have an easier time applying that to the good things, like love and friends and stuff.

All I want from life is to love and be loved, not necessarily romantically, just love. And I can't have that, because love is an addiction, and I can't become addicted. I hate it. Out of all the people who have problems with addiction to things, I had to be the one person who wants to be addicted, and can't be. That is my life I guess. If I could let myself be ruled by something else, a desire or whatever for something, let myself be addicted, I wouldn't have messed up all of my relationships in the past, and maybe I could have a good one in the future. But I doubt that will ever happen, and some part of me doesn't want it to.