Sunday, December 27, 2015


Do you ever thing that Hingis happen because you want them to? Or because you think about them a lot? Not everything, just some things. Well, maybe everything, but not as a constant thing, maybe a residual thing? Like you thought about it a lot a long time ago and even though it didn't come in the form you wanted it to, it still happened and you just didn't notice it and now it's a reoccurring thing that you only sort of notice in the back of your mind. 
When I spend a lot of time thinking about something, or stressing out about it, or even being angry about it, things just sort of resolve them selves. I think I wrote about that before. Or I thought about writing about it. 
I can't list examples, I don't really remember the smaller things once I stop thinking about them, but the bigger things, at least the recent ones, I can remember sort of without details. 
I'll start with the cat since that's an older one. He was sick and there was maybe a 5% chance he would love, the vet said. And even though the chances were improbable and I had no way to pay for it, everything worked out fine. But I spent so much time, at least a month, just sort of knowing in the back of my mind that he was going to die, and I stressed about it a lot. It was the first time I've felt that sinking, crushing feeling in my chest in years. It's the feeling I associate with heartbreak. And it was so stupid because, logically speaking, he's just a cat. There are a thousand more to chose from if he died. It would have been cheaper to let him die. But I got him because I was lonely, probably the first time I was actually alone, I couldn't even last a week alone in that apartment, and he's always been with me since. So I took the hard road. But everything worked out even though I highly I knew for sure that it wouldn't work out. 
Maybe that's not a good example. Or at least, I'm not writing it to be a good example. 
What's another one? Now that I'm writing it and thinking about it in order, it's hard to recall. 
Jacob, probably, but that's an obvious one. I felt alone and isolated so I made that happen. For a while. That's not a good example either. 
I guess the most recent thing, the one that put me back on this line of thinking after months of not, well, not enough to write about it anyway. 
It's been harder and harder for me to compile my list of reasons to stay. Or to love and put effort into living. 
But the idea of Renee having a baby, it changes the way I think about her, I guess. She's not my baby sister anymore. Now she's going to be a mom. 
I've been excited since she told me a few days ago, it's definitely something worth sticking around for and I really only need one concrete reason at a time. 
And I'm trying so hard not to be jealous, and it's actually been working even though she now literally has everything I've ever wanted from life. All the things I'm not likely to get. 
I was looking for a reason, consciously searching for one for the last month or so, which is a kind of short time for things to play them selves out going off past things, and I found one. 
I don't really know what epiphany I was trying to find from writing through these thoughts. Maybe I was just writing because it feels weird to be up so late (it's almost 3 now which is late for me) but I think I was trying to explain something, I had a solid point when I started writing but I don't remember it now. 
Maybe I'll write again tomorrow night. 

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

The Little Things

Ive heard and read multiple times that it's the little things that you should look forward to rather than some outlandish goal that will more than likely never come to pass, and I've always thought that it was one of those stupid things people say to other people to try to sound like they actually understand what it means to be depressed or even unhappy in general. 
But I think I understand a little better now. I think maybe that's an accurate thing to do. Look forward to the small things. The little things that make he month worth sticking around for. The little things that make the week tolerable. The little things through your the day that just make the day worth being there for. 
Sometimes for me those things are sunsets, cool clouds, even something as little as a bird flying near me or a cat rubbing it's face against me, or someone smiling at me. 
Those things are the nice little things that I used to think weren't enough, weren't worth sticking around for. But they are, sometimes. Mostly when I'm drunk. But there are other things too I think. Like kissing, that's fun, and like flowers that are nice, or cool plants in the grocery store hat I always want to buy. I used to think those thing we're just stupid things that I sort of like but they are part of what makes me, me. 
And I've never liked that before, the me thing, but there have always been things I've sort of liked. Like me eyes, I like those, and sometimes I like other things about me. Like my hair, or my sarcasm. And those little things make me feel like the rest of me is almost worth putting up with. 
I mean, I must be at least a little tolerable to people because if I wasn't I would really have no friends instead of just saying that. It's not true, I do have friends. Jacob. Angie most of the time. Even though I have noting in common with Angie and only a little bit in common with Jacob, they are still my friends. 
I'm a newer friend but that doesn't mean I'm a worse friend right? 
I don't know though, maybe I'm just thinking of this now because I said I wanted to distance myself from all of them. 
I'm not good at accepting change so when I decide to start doing something different it just seems like everything in the universe try's to make it hard for me to follow through on that decision. 
I used to think that rant that I shouldn't follow through but maybe that's just the universe telling me that it's going to be hard so I need to make sure now that I'm actually gonna do it. Usually I give up. 
Maybe this time I shouldn't. I should try to distance myself. 
I don't know. Maybe it's because in drunk now. Being drunk makes me feel more affectionate which makes me feel more attached. That's probably all this is. 
I like being drunk. It's just a good excuse. But I don't like being drunk because Io tell secrets I didn't want to tell. 
The past is the past and it should stay there but I am so bad at keeping it there. 
What's he point of honking about it at all anyway? It just hurts and I know I'll regret it later if I remember. I hope I don't. 
Is it okay to blame everything on one event in the past though? I do that because I don't remember most of what happened after that event, it's all blocked out. But there are just so many Hingis that make sense as coming from that as a side effect but what if I'm just fucked up in general and I'm using that as an excuse? 
Angie is so much better at this than I am, she can deal with it and move on and get her life right, I can't do that yet. I can't forget. It's always in my mind, sans a few occasions.
So being drunk makes it feel better emotionally but it gives me more to think about later when I'm trying to sleep. 
Why can't I sleep? I'm so drunk, and I'm high too, and I'm so so tired, but instead of just falling asleep like a normal person I stay awake and write posts in my head until I think I have enough to write about hen I type it up and talk myself through all my thoughts until I feel like the subject is done. That's hard to do sometimes, like right now, when I can't remember what he first subject was. 
Oh, the little things. 
Anyway, looking forward to the little things, or even the possibility of the little things, that's what I'm doing now. There's a small chance that the things I enjoy will happen, so I probably should be around to see them and enjoy them right? Yeah, I think so. 
I've never been able to look forward to large events, but I think I can manage the littler things. I think I can do that. 
So that's what I'm going to try to do now. I'm probably going to get an A in accounting, that's a little thing to look forward to. My cat is probably not going to die. I have friends who love me that I live too. I found an alcohol I don't mind drinking. I'm going to straighten my hair tomorrow and I really like it when it's straightened. I have some mediocre spinach artichoke dip in the fridge that I'm going to eat tomorrow, kinda looking forward to that. I think Angie is not mad at me anymore, so that's good. 
If I just don't think about the things hat I know are going to happen that suck, I think I can almost stay positive for a while. 
That's a good thing. Probably. 
 Not going to give up right now. I don't even feel like I need to. I feel like I should really try with my life even though I don't know what I'm trying for. 
I think that's enough for now. 

Sunday, December 6, 2015


Fitting in is always something I have been really good at, but unable to do at the same time. Moving from place to place almost every year, I learned how to watch the people around me and figure out what kind of a person I should be in order to fit in with them. It's become almost a thoughtless process over the years. 
But there is fitting in, and then there is belonging. I used to think they were the same thing, but now I realize that they are completely different. 
Fitting in is acting. It's adopting the personalities of the people around me and becoming like them. 
Belonging is living. Belonging is finding a place where you don't have to try to fit in, you just do. Belonging is finding people who like you for who you actually are. 
Up until very recently I thought I had that. The feeling of belonging, a place I should be, and people that I should be with. But I was wrong. 
These people, this place, all the things that I think about when I imagine who I am, all of it existed before I did. I simply happened across it by chance, and it adopted me for a while. 
But I don't belong there. 
I'm an intruder in that world, I just stepped in and tried to make it my own. But that whole thing still functions without me in it. It does more than function, it thrives. It grows and everyone in it is happy. 
I don't belong there anymore, if I ever did to begin with. When I try to go back to how I remember things, go back to when I belonged and was happy, I throw off the balance of the whole thing. 
I've realized now that chasing after the pay when I was almost happy, when I thought I beloged, is a pointless venture and I don't just mess things up for me, I ruin them for other people too. 
I don't want to give up trying, because then I won't have anything to look forward to anymore, and I really need something. But I'm going to distance myself from it all. Slowly. 
Maybe that way when the end finally comes I won't be upset about it. 
I say that but I know for a fact I will still be upset. 
I was a visitor and now it's time to leave.